The fear of being alone

I think I’ll be fine without a partner. But if I’m honest, I’m afraid of being alone.

I currently have my family- parents, younger sister, and a large extended family who mostly lives in New York and New Jersey. I have friends who I know will help me if I need it. There’s Ivy (not her real name) who has been my best friend since we were six years old. And some of my closest friends are people who I met at the Ace Meetup group in DC.

But I wonder who will take care of me when I get older. Will I be like one of those poor Japanese elders who die alone because there’s no one to take care of them? Reading a New York Times article on this topic made me incredibly sad.

I’m also very aware that having a partner makes life easier in many ways. Practicalities like paying rent and health insurance makes living with someone very attractive. It would be nice to have a double income household.

The last and most important reason why I don’t want to be alone is because I don’t want to be lonely. I feel like there’s a stigma associated with admitting that one feels lonely sometimes. But I’ve had long periods in my life where I felt truly alone and no one to turn to. It was mainly pride and stubbornness that kept me from disclosing my problems to other people and relying on them for support. But feeling separate and apart from other people can be frightening. It’s a feeling that I want to limit or avoid as much as possible.

I’m probably heavily influenced by the societal pressures to be with someone. I know that there are other ways to get what I want- like having a chosen family in the way many gays and lesbians do. I don’t know how I’ll figure this out but all I know is that I have a lot of thinking to do.


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