My body, my self

I’ve been thinking about how I view my body lately. I went to my OB/GYN last Saturday for my annual exam. I’m a new patient so I had to explain my medical history to her. She prescribed a mammogram and pelvic ultrasound after examining me. I think it’s ironic that I have issues related to my reproductive organs when I don’t see my body as a vehicle to get sex or attract others sexually.

I had surgery to remove a fibroid seven years ago. It grew so large in such a short time span that my doctors were concerned it was cancerous. I literally looked seven months pregnant when I had the surgery, even though I never had sex.

I had transvaginal ultrasounds multiple times to see what was wrong with me. I thought it was strange how I had a wand stuck between my legs when no man had ever ventured there. One technician embarrassed me by asking if I was a virgin before inserting the wand. I think she meant well and wanted to prevent discomfort, but I was very uncomfortable with how she phrased the question.

I had my surgery after many, many sonograms, ultrasounds, and a MRI. The fibroid turned out to be benign. I later found out that it was five pounds when I got my lab results from the hospital. It grew that big within three to four months.

I was concerned about how the surgery would affect my ability to have children. I’ve always wanted to be a parent. The surgery went well and I was told that I should be able to have children with no problems.

Even though I’m asexual, I think I view my breasts and reproductive organs as being very important to my female identity. I would be emotionally devastated if I had breast cancer and had to get a mastectomy. Losing a breast or two to cancer would obviously mean the loss of body parts and cause tremendous pain. But it would also mean that I have to change how I view myself.

I scheduled my tests for later this month. I hope everything’s fine.

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