I’m trying to decide what I want- like what kind of person I want to be with. I wish articulating what I want from a partner in my head will actually make it come true in real life. But I know life isn’t like that.
The few times I experienced lust like you do in the movies or romance novels happened with people who are Aries stereotypes. Action-oriented, impatient, hot-tempered, bad boys. I never did anything about my feelings because I knew acting on them would lead to problems. I feel like I always had a strong sense of what is appropriate and what is not.
When I allowed myself to be in intimate with someone, that person was always someone who looked good on paper and was theoretically good for me. People who are highly educated, intellectual, and knowledgeable about the world. When I was with them, I felt the security of doing the right thing and I liked that feeling a lot. Probably as much as the person themselves.
I feel like the things that turn me on is very different from what I rationally want from a partner. I’m not sure how to reconcile them. Maybe I should be with someone who has a very prestigious yet dangerous career? Like a climate scientist who lives in Antarctica for half the year? Or a high level CIA operative? I don’t know. I obviously need to figure this out, but have no answers.