My body, desire, and touch

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a high libido for an Ace person. I sometimes feel like the outlier in Ace circles because I’m not sex-repulsed or touch-averse. I like thinking about sex. Sex scenes in movies and books don’t bother me. I haven’t had sexual intercourse but I’ve done other sexual things like kissing and giving blowjobs. I enjoyed doing those activities and pleasing my partner.

Additionally, I value receiving physical affection. I’m naturally very reserved so I will accept touch from a select group of people like close friends and family members. I think that touch can show how much love or affection you feel for the other person. It also feels nice! I like hugs and cuddling.

I’ve noticed that touch is one of the first things that I will withdraw from if I feel hurt or don’t trust the other person any longer. Even if I maintain a facade of civility, I can’t force my body to be physically close to someone if a relationship takes a bad turn. The fact that I’m selective on who I’m willing to show physical affection to makes this worse. For me, touch is meaningful and something that is not given away lightly.

Looking back, most of the stuff that I did with Tom* was for sensual pleasure. To outsiders, especially if they are allosexuals, it may have looked like we had a sexual relationship. But it didn’t feel like that to me. It felt more like we were both trying to figure out what each of us enjoyed without the sexual intent that is behind most intimate situations.

I do wonder if sexual intercourse is a hard limit for me. Amir is still a potential sex partner since we started talking again. I haven’t decided yet on whether I want to ask him to sleep with me. I want to try at least once, but I don’t know if I’ll enjoy it. I know he wants to and that he desires me. But I’m a little concerned because he’s… very well-endowed. Will it hurt? I’m also thinking about having him as my dominant, since he’s indicated that he can teach me about BDSM. But all of this is still very tentative.

We agreed to see each other again a week from now. I bought him Julie Decker’s “The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality.” I hope he reads it by the time I see him. There’s always the possibility that he’d say that he doesn’t want to be involved with me any longer because it’s too complicated. But I’d rather take the road to educating him now and letting him decide what he wants to do than making mistakes because he doesn’t understand what asexuality is.

I hope I gave a view of how I view my libido and sensual attraction as an Ace person. I’m still learning about myself, so I’m sure I’ll have a more nuanced view in the future.

*All names in this blog are fictional to maintain individuals’ privacy.

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