Musings

A woman from the NYC Aces group messaged me about her awesome date on Saturday with another Ace person. The woman and I met the week before at an event that I hosted and I hope that this is the beginning of a nice friendship. I was happy for her but felt a twinge of jealousy when she said that she slept with the man after the date and it was nice because there was no expectation of sex. They just enjoyed the intimacy of sharing the same bed together.

On the same day, Jackie* sent me a message that she was planning on scening with a woman she met. I was happy for her too and hope her relationship with this woman becomes long-term.

When I moved back to New York and it became clear that my relationship with Tom irrevocably changed, one of the things that I missed immediately was the physical intimacy I had with him. The act of being in someone’s arms in bed requires a lot of trust and familiarity. It took me a long time to get there. And, when I couldn’t access it anymore, I just felt a certain longing – kind of like a skin hunger or a phantom pain. It’s probably one of the reasons why I acted impulsively with Amir, which was a mistake. That episode was covered in a previous post.

If I do have a relationship with someone, I’m definitely looking forward to the hand holding, the hugs, etc. And I don’t mind some PDA as long as it’s appropriate and not a disgusting amount (like Amir briefly kissed me in public after we had dinner and it was nice). I just wish I can have it now, instead of the oh-so-distant future. And I wish I can shake off the feeling that I will be alone forever. This feeling shall pass; I’ve been maudlin for the past couple of days.

* All names in this blog are fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.

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