First dates are the worst

I’m in the process of scheduling a first date with someone on OkCupid. I don’t have a lot of expectations for this date. If it goes well, that’s great! If not, I tried at least to meet someone new. I’m concerned about how to address my asexuality and demisexuality. I think this subject is something that I don’t want to discuss on the first date but I should bring it up sooner or later to be truthful.

I had a couple of dates last year using OkCupid before I decided I wanted to stop. I stopped mainly because I don’t enjoy the dating process (my reasons why can be found here). But I also wanted to be with Tom* and I didn’t want to see anyone else. But it’s time to start trying again.

On my profile, I indicated that I’m demisexual. One date seemed to have thought that demisexual meant transsexual. He was an older man, somewhere in his mid-forties. It didn’t seem to occur to him to look up “demisexual” on Google. During our date, he mentioned that he had a fetish for Asian trans women. I was very uncomfortable with this line of conversation since I’m a cisgender person and I didn’t like how he had yellow fever. I cut our date short as soon as possible.

On another date with someone else, the man asked about me being demisexual. He tried to find some kind of common ground by saying that he feels like he’s demisexual because he has trouble finding women he clicks with because he’s hearing impaired. I found that line of thinking to be wrong even though the intent was good. I’ve grown to understand my asexuality as being a sexual orientation, instead of something that stems from a disability. And you can be both an Ace and disabled person. This date didn’t work out either for many reasons. If I liked him more, I think I could’ve worked on educating him about asexuality. But I didn’t think it was worth the effort.

It would be easier if I can date another Ace person. But I’ve found that to be as elusive as being hit by lightening. I’ve been hosting a lot of Ace events lately. I found one person who I’m interested in dating but he has a girlfriend. I’m bisexual but I have a preference for men. Finding an Ace man is very difficult, let alone an Ace man I’ll consider dating. If I do date a woman, I know my preference is for someone who looks and presents femme like me.


I invited Amir to an Ace meetup that I’m hosting. He didn’t respond to my invite, though I know he read my message. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him but I was hoping he would be interested in learning more about being an Ace person and understanding me in particular. But I don’t feel particularly sad about this. Maybe a little disappointed?

*All names in this blog are fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.


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