Messaging on OkCupid is terrible

In my last post, I wrote that I was talking with someone on OkCupid and was in the process of scheduling a first date. It didn’t end up working out. We had tentatively scheduled to meet on a Saturday. However, I offended him by not responding quickly enough to his text messages. I stopped checking my phone around 9 pm. When I checked my messages the next day, his messages quickly escalated from “Hey, are you there?” to “Hey, are you okay???” I sent him a message apologizing to him but never got a response back. I subsequently unmatched the two of us on OkCupid.

This is one example of why I’m struggling with online dating. I feel like people act strangely when they’re attracted to someone. I take pride in my responsiveness to people and take great care to be reachable to those I love. But, on the other hand, I think it’s reasonable to give someone you’ve just met online some time to respond. Like, I should respond in 24 hours. His reaction would’ve been reasonable if we were close friends or lovers. But we were neither of those things.

Another person messaged me on OkCupid. He said that he lived in the same neighborhood of NYC as me and asked where I lived. He gave me his home’s intersection. In the same message, he indicated that he had the Kakaotalk and Weibo Apps and he didn’t act like the typical American because he drank tea instead of coffee. He also said he rather meet in person instead of endless messaging and suggested a couple of venues.

I felt that this message was weird and very red flaggy. I don’t give out my address to strangers, unless it’s for a valid reason like I’m getting my driver’s license or something. I value my privacy and safety. I also read too many true crime books and watched too much Law and Order: SVU (to my non-American audience, it is a TV drama that focuses on how the NYC police tries to catch sexual predators). I’m a little paranoid to begin with.

Additionally, I felt like this guy had Yellow Fever. I wondered if he assumed that I was fresh off the boat since he mentioned Kakaotalk and Weibo. One of the bad things of being Asian is that I’m perceived as the perpetual foreigner, even if I was raised here and became a citizen. I also didn’t like how all of this information was in his very first message. I would’ve appreciated a nice “Hi, how are you?” and then segue to mentioning a preference to meeting in person instead of endlessly chatting online.

I unmatched him too. I didn’t bother responding.

I’m a little tired. I know dating requires wading through many, many frogs before finding my prince. But, it’s hard to turn off the little voice in my head that says that this is all bullshit.


One of the things I want to start regularly doing in my blog is to mention the music that I’ve been listening to while writing a post. I listened to Bush’s songs The Sound of Winter and All Night Doctors. I had a crush on Gavin Rossdale as a teenager, which seems typical for a girl growing up in the 90s.

I also listened to Alter Bridge’s songs Crows on a Wire, Words Darker Than Their Wings, Rise Today, and Blackbird. Blackbird is long at almost 8 minutes but worth the time for the guitar solo (as fair warning, it deals with the suicide of the lead singer’s friend).

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