To have and to hold

This is my submission to June’s Carnival of Aces, which is being hosted by yours truly!

My sister is getting married next month. I’m happy for her but can’t muster enthusiasm for the wedding itself. I’ve never been one of those women who fantasized about her ideal wedding growing up. I don’t want to offer an opinion on things like flowers and hair styles because 1) I tend to have more conservative taste than my sister and 2) I think the choices are up to her to make.

If I ever do get married, I just want to get married in the courthouse or have a very small ceremony. I want to have a larger party later to celebrate. My mom visited a psychic a long time ago and the psychic said that I’m going to get married late in life and one child. She seems to be convinced that this is correct. I’m a little tickled by the idea but we’ll see if things turn out that way.

I always wanted children but I felt a little hazy about wanting a partner. I’m thirty-five and little children are very cute to me now, when I wouldn’t have noticed as much before. I guess the biological clock is a real thing! As much as I want kids, I know that being a single parent is incredibly stressful emotionally and financially. I don’t want to have kids until I have a romantic partner or a platonic co-parent.

I felt like there were a couple of people who I would’ve asked to be my long-term partner so that I can have children. But I’m still looking for the special someone. And it’s taking me a lot longer than the normal person because of my demisexuality.

If time passes and I can’t have children biologically, I don’t know if I’ll resent being asexual. I probably will be disappointed at a minimum. I can always adopt. But the possibility of having a biological child is very alluring to me, even if I rationally know that I have alternative options to raise a family.

I also wonder if I’m going to be a good parent if I have children. I think I’ll be the kind of parent who tries hard to provide intellectual stimulation and a loving and structured home. I won’t be able to abide by children who act out. But this is all theoretical.

Realistically, I’m probably going to remain single and childless. But I want to have what others have too.

I’ve been listening to the following songs while writing this post:

Taemin’s Move

Park Hyo Shin’s Beautiful Tomorrow and Happy Together


One thought on “To have and to hold”

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