My sexuality and confusion

This is a guest post written by Patience in response to June’s Carnival of Aces topic- demisexuality and greyasexuality.

I identify as demisexual and sometimes that can be quite confusing. Especially with regards to my relationship with sex. I mean, most of the times my sex drive is pretty much non-existent, I don’t think about sex with myself as a participant very often and I do nothing whatsoever to pursue it. My ex-boyfriend even expressed surprise that I never masturbate. Of course, this could be due to societal pressure that tells us that masturbation is wrong and something you should not engage in. However, I think it has more to do with me being demisexual. For me, part of that is that any kind of sex simply doesn’t hold any appeal to me, unless it’s with a partner that I’m attracted to and care about. And since I have only ever been sexually attracted to one person, sex plays a very little role in my life and I am completely fine with that.

But every now and then, my sex drive will poke its head up as if to show me that it’s still there. This sometimes happens because of outside influences, such as New Adult romance novels. I discovered this kind of book two years ago when I was still in a fairly typical relationship and I mostly liked what I read. Some of them are not very good, but I found them at a time where I felt that YA were sometimes too childish and the New Adult books’ focus on college-age characters fit what I wanted. The romance novels also tend to focus a lot on sexual relationships and as I had an active and mostly satisfying sex life myself, it didn’t bother me.

Today, with no sex life to speak of, it still doesn’t bother me, although I sometimes find myself rolling my eyes when it becomes too clichéd. In spite of that I still sometimes find myself wanting the kind of simple sex life that is depicted in those books. My relationship to sex has become complicated since I realized that I was Ace and I know that my life will likely never look like that. But even so they turn on some sort of vague sexual urge that I don’t really know what to do about.

For the moment I like being single, but at some point I would like to have a partner again. On a very theoretical basis I sometimes think about the kind of relationship I want to have and most of the times the conclusion is that I probably would be fine with a relationship without sex. But then in those periods with vague urges, I find myself thinking that I would also be fine with sex in smaller amounts.

My ex-boyfriend had a high sex drive so I ended up having a lot of sex that I didn’t exactly want, but once or twice per month might be okay with the right partner. And this leads to me not always feeling like I am a True Ace™. Logically I know that I am free to identify as whatever feels right for me, but I don’t often see myself reflected in the blogs I read. I love what I read and I know how difficult it can be to include everyone. But the lack of writings on demisexuality (that I know of) means that I don’t have much of a framework to reflect my own experiences against and I am grateful to this Carnival for focusing on demisexuality.


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