Why am I surprised by this?

This is a conversation that I had a couple of days ago on OkCupid:

Him: I seriously had no idea what demisexual meant and looked it up. Your profile has led me to some education, good luck with your search 🙂

Me: Thank you! I appreciate you telling me that

Him: No problem. I just thought there didn’t need to be a word for it honestly. I mean when it comes to women their sexual enjoyment is 98% linked to their emotions to begin with as far as all the women I’ve ever spoken to were concerned

Me: …..

I didn’t engage with him any further. I wonder if I should have engaged the man to educate him in some way, especially considering that I am an advocate/activist in real life. But I don’t want to fight all the time. I just want people to understand me.

One of the things that has to change is people’s urge to question the way others chose to identify. Isn’t it a cliche that the absence of labels equals invisibility? I wonder if this is a red line for me- like I won’t even bother considering being with you unless you’re woke.

I feel like this makes me sound like a flaming liberal. Politically, I’m a progressive. But I’m very much an institutionalist and conservative with a small “c” in the sense that I believe that social institutions should be upheld and change has to be made incrementally. I’m inherently suspicious of radical change, even if I do agree with the overall principal.  So I’m often the “suit” in the room full of activisty types.

Returning to the personal, I sometimes feel like every act I take is political in some way because I exist with multiple marginalized identities. So I wonder whether my preferred way of handling my personal matters will advance the asexual community (or other communities that I identify with). This is… exhausting. And I don’t know if I’m doing a good job.

While writing this post, I was listening to Lady Gaga’s Born This Way and Heavy Metal Lover. 


One thought on “Why am I surprised by this?”

  1. Ughhh that guy. Honestly, I wouldn’t date someone who told me “your identity is useless and you shouldn’t use it”.
    I’m an activist for other things IRL (I volunteer), and I take great care to take evenings and weekends off, just like in any other job. You doing activist-y stuff sometimes doesn’t mean you have to do it 24/7!


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