Mental health check-in

Depression is a terrible thing. It also comes in different flavors, and you get to know them well if you’re fortunate enough to be depressed for a long time.

I’ve had depression since I was a teenager. It never goes away despite medications, therapy, good things happening to me, etc. I took anti-depressants a couple of years ago but stopped. The medication made me feel like I was numb or bubble-wrapping myself against my bad feelings. I thought that I’d rather feel my scary emotions. Of course, this is no way a statement against anti-depressants; they work for many people and should be taken under medical supervision. I have little use for therapy but I used a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) app on my phone and that was helpful. I thought CBT is useful because it provides pointers to modify your behavior without going through the tedious ritual of discussing what happened to you when you were growing up, etc. I should try that again.

The truly worst days of my depression is behind me. I don’t miss those days when I felt like I was psychologically drowning. I haven’t felt that kind of hopelessness for a long time.

For the past year, I felt like I’m tired all the time. The simplest things seem to require tremendous effort. I’m probably failing on multiple fronts in my career and personal life because I can’t muster enough energy to get things done. And yet, I’m genuinely a busy person who probably looks high-functioning. So, I’m not sure how reality matches my perception of myself.

I talked to an Ace friend about this and he said something like, “Well, you do things that happy people do so you must be happier than you think you are.” I don’t know what to make of that statement; it can be the most profound statement ever or totally wrong. But he has 15 years on me, so maybe he was more perspective on life than I do.

I view my mental health status as being totally separate from my identity as an Ace person. I’ve never viewed myself as lacking because I don’t have a partner or don’t have an X number of people who I slept with. I identified myself as being a depressed person way before I identified as Ace. But I’m sure both identities are intertwined for some people. I’m truly curious about this. I’ll have to Google this and do some research.

 

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