Musings No. 2

I went on a first date last Friday with another person I met on OkCupid. He seemed like a nice enough guy but I didn’t feel like we had chemistry. He seemed like he was one of those people who played Dungeons and Dragons when he was a teenager and viewed himself as a social outcast…. and never really grew out of it. I feel like my personality would have dominated him and we would both be miserable. I have this image of me constantly criticizing him for not being able to function in society in a way that I find satisfactory. That is obviously not awesome.

I feel like I’m slowly getting into the swing of things in the dating front. I downloaded OkCupid onto my phone maybe a month or two after I moved back to New York and never used it for months afterward. I think I was not ready to start looking seriously. I’m still having crippling anxiety, but I’m much more serious about using the app and I think that I put a pretty good game face when I meet my dates. I’m not really afraid of dating. It’s just that I don’t trust my judgment anymore about relationships and who I can rely on.

I met some Ace folks yesterday for dinner, drinks, and playing games at pinball machines. It was really nice to see people but it was a long day. One of my Ace bffs invited me to a BDSM munch next Friday. I’m excited to go. I haven’t gone to a munch in a long time and it’ll be my first in New York.

I want someone to dominate me. I feel like I’m happiest when I’m serving someone. It definitely affected my career choices since I worked in public service for a long time. I’m like that with my family and friends as well. So, why should my romantic relationships be any different? I definitely don’t want a D/S relationship that looks like a master-slave relationship. But I’m not sure how that kind of relationship would work with someone like me who’s more interested in the power exchange part of BDSM more than the sex.

The friend who invited me to the munch and I get along so well that I wish I felt romantic feelings towards him. But I don’t. But it’s nice to be able to rely on him.


While drafting this blog post, I’ve been listening to Handel’s Messiah.

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