*Please note that this post is NSFW.
Asexuality is a spectrum. There are Aces with varying degrees of openness to sex, touch, intimate relationships. I fall on the more sexual side of the Asexuality spectrum. I feel like I’m pushing the boundaries of how sexual one can be without actually desiring sexual intercourse.
I identify as bisexual. However, I’m more attracted to men than women. My sexual fantasies generally involve me having a sexual encounter with a man, but will involve women maybe 10% of the time. I think that I’ll most likely have a relationship with a man, but I won’t rule out having a long-term relationship with a woman.
One of my longest fantasies that I’ve had was being taken from behind by someone who I’m prevented from seeing. I cannot turn around because I’m leaning forward on a desk. I just have to take what’s happening. I think I liked this fantasy because it wades into BDSM territory without being overtly so. And it allows me to fantasize about doing something with another person that I have very limited experience in. I know enough about sex to know what happens physically. However, it’s different reading about something versus experiencing it real life.
This taken-from-behind fantasy is slightly ruined for me because Amir* tried to recreate it while we were together. It was…anxiety producing. I think if I tried recreating it with someone I trusted, I would’ve felt better about the experience. Despite my unease, I found that I liked some parts of role playing the fantasy. I found that I liked feeling how much Amir desired me as he ground his erection against me. I liked seeing the two of us in the vanity mirror, his dark skin a contrast to my lighter one.
Despite my fantasies, I’m less likely to act on them than the normal person. I’ll accept sexual touch but it takes me long time to get there. I’ve been thinking about what it means to negotiate physical intimacy in a relationship, given how much I enjoy physical touch and affection and yet can’t/won’t do anything without lots of trust and “practice”. I feel a little like I’m enclosed somehow by being an Ace person and having limits on what I can experience through my body. I’m not sad about this exactly. I feel wistful.
* All names in this blog are fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.
While I was drafting this blog post, I was listening to Ellie Goulding’s Love Me Like You Do and Aaliyah’s I Refuse, Are You That Somebody, We Need A Resolution (Aaliyah is one of my favorite R&B singers and her songs stand the test the time.)