As I’m going through the process of online dating, I realized that I never really talked about what my conception of love was on this blog. I talked about what kind of people I’m attracted to, my reasons for wanting a partner, etc. But it didn’t occur to me that I should address love as a topic until recently.
I probably consumed way too many romance novels, TV shoes and movies because I still believe that everyone has a soul mate or two who they are matched with. This belief is probably naive and unrealistic for many people but there it is. It definitely shows that I have a strong romantic orientation even if I’m asexual.
I’m not entirely a starry eyed dreamer however. I don’t have any desire to be swept off my feet. I’m more comfortable with the slow build up to attraction and love. I want to get to know the person I’m with before committing myself because my word is my bond. Some people tend to cycle through their relationships pretty quickly, but I can’t imagine doing that for myself. I think once I say, “I love you” to someone, I’ll really mean it and will be in it for life.
I’ve only said “I love you” to only handful of people in my life- my family and a couple of close friends. I’ve never said it to a potential romantic partner, even in a joking manner. I think the relationship has to be really serious for me to say the words. Even when I was with Tom,* I never told him I loved him because I was unsure if my feelings qualified as love and I was so unclear what the status of our relationship was that I wasn’t going to go there (I put my foot in my mouth in other ways in the relationship). I’m so cautious in saying, “I love you” to people, that “love” is probably used as little as the other four letter word “fuck” in my everyday speech. (As a non sequitur, I’ve managed to shock people when I use curse words because I use them so sparingly.)
Ultimately, I want to find “my person” or someone who I can go home to. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to feel like the other person truly sees me and is rooting for my success. I want to feel like I can lean on them for support when/if something bad happens. This is my definition of a loving relationship. I don’t want anything really fancy or a whirlwind romance. I just want to live my life knowing that I’m not alone in this world.
*All names in this blog are fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.