Status update: still pending

I’ve been thinking about my future lately. I’ve been seeing Jackson for 4 months now. It’s been quite the dramatic relationship with an on-and-off quality. I discovered early on that he is actually 15 years older than me rather than the 6 year age gap that I was initially led to believe. He’s away on vacation with his mom at Poland. I have to decide what to do about him before he comes back.

I wonder if I was happier when I was single and not interested in dating anyone and hanging out with my friends. I had a full life and I don’t need a man. I’m feeling a certain weariness in trying to find the right partner. I think I have a cynicism about relationships that didn’t exist several years ago due to my experiences.

I’ll have to think about more subjects to write about here on my blog. Just in case I really do call an end to my quest for a romantic partner. My sister had her baby last weekend so maybe I’ll change the subject of this blog to how I am the best spinster aunt ever. 😁

*All names in this blog are fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.


Passing as normal

This is a submission for May 2019 Carnival of Aces hosted by Demisexual and Proud. This month’s focus is on various issues relating to asexuality and gender. I already talked about this area in several posts:

  1. Beauty standards for women and how that feels as an Ace Korean-American
  2. Being sexy while Ace

I want to discuss the idea of “passing”.

I’m pretty confident that I pass as a sexual person, unless you know me very intimately. I’ve surprised several people by coming out as an Ace person who knew me casually. They assumed that I was just didn’t want to settle down with anyone. But my family and really close friends knew that my romantic and sexual history were a vast wasteland. They knew I wasn’t sowing my wild oats. It’s been only during the past couple of years where I’ve actively been dating and trying to establish a relationship with someone.

But what does it mean to pass as a sexual person? When I first discovered what asexuality was, I was resistant to attending meetups because I felt like I didn’t fit the stereotype of an asexual person. The stereotype of asexual person that I had in my mind was a pale skinned, clueless nerd who played video games all day in their parents’ basement with no social skills. In contrast, I’m relatively attractive, educated, have a professional job, and can socialize with people when I have to (I’m an introvert who is somehow surrounded by people all the time). I’m also a cisgender woman who presents as female in a very middle of the road, lawyer-ish way. My gender presentation does not indicate at all that I’m asexual. I later learned that Ace people come in all different kinds of flavors, but I didn’t know that back then.

Also, it’s the default to assume that someone has sexual desires and to assume that young women want to get married and have kids. Since I actually do want to get married and have children, it seems like I am perceived to have sexual desires to the outside world.

I feel like there’s a certain privilege to passing as allosexual. I also pass as straight, when I’m actually bisexual, and mentally healthy, when my history with depression will always be there haunting me. I can navigate the world with minimal harassment. I can’t totally escape the racism and sexual harassment or misogyny that exists, but I’ve come to expect it. I also know that I would get more grief if strangers can see all of my intersectionalities.

I think that asexuality is not mainstream enough yet to be accepted in workplaces like LGBT people are (and even they are still struggling in 2019). So I find the ability to pass very valuable in the workplace. I care A LOT if my employer, work colleagues, or clients know that I’m Ace. It’s something that I never discuss in the workplace.

Now that I’m a relationship where I am having regular sex with someone and enjoying it, some of my Ace friends wondered if I’m a regular sexual person now and whether I should drop the Ace label entirely because it’s just easier to live as a sexual person. I’m bothered by that line of thinking and believe that my sexual history can’t be explained unless I am asexual. How did I stay a virgin for so long unless I was Ace? It’s not for the lack of opportunities. I could’ve lost my virginity in my teen years with no problem, but I didn’t. Additionally, I don’t want to give up my identity as an Ace person for convenience or to pass even more than I am. It’ll feel like a betrayal to all the internal work that I’ve done to understand myself and help the community.

These are my initial thoughts on passing and asexuality and gender. I’m curious to know what others have to say on this topic.

I’m back!

This is my 50th blog post! I’m amazed that I’m still writing about my love life.

The last time I wrote, I was furious about being involved in a hookup and thinking that I should give up on dating. I learned that people can be horrible and use others, even if I thought I could prevent that by being honest about my sexual history. However, I thought that my first time at having sex was pretty damn good because I got to choose the person who I was with and how the sex was going to happen. I think that’s a bonus of having sex later in life. I think I would’ve had a horrible time if I had sex when I was a young girl because I was so confused about what I was and I didn’t know what I wanted. So it wasn’t all bad.

I’m currently seeing Jackson* and we’ve been dating for a little over a month. I’ve been reluctant to write about him here and talk about him to others in real life because I feel like I’m going to jinx it by blabbing about him. It’s been an intense courtship where we’ve been seeing each other multiple times a week and talking every day. We’ve seen each other so often that it feels like we’ve known each other for much longer than a month. But there’s so much that I don’t know about him.

One of the reasons why I feel like I don’t know him that well is because we’ve been having sex or doing something sexual every time we see each other. It was like that ever since the first date, where we kissed and pawed at each other like teenagers. This obviously cuts down the time that we spend getting to know each other’s personal histories.

I feel like it’s funny that I’ve spent most of my life not having sex and now I’m doing it with someone like rabbits. Jackson really needs sex as a way to forge a romantic bond with someone. I’ve never been repulsed by sex; instead, it was just an activity that I wasn’t interested in. However, sex satisfies my need for physical affection and intimacy. And I’m discovering that I’m willing to provide for my partner under the right circumstances. I feel pleasure in knowing that he desires me. He is a good, considerate lover and I find our time together to be emotionally satisfying.

My time with him has been making me question my identity as an Ace person. I think my identification with asexuality was helpful when I was still a virgin because the label was a tool to explain my sexual history. Now that I’m enjoying sex, phone sex, and other activities on a regular basis, I don’t know how much use I’ll get out of the labels anymore. But, I guess that’s why the terms “demisexuality” and “greysexuality” exist.

Given my track record, I don’t know if my time with Jackson will last. I’m a little wary, tired, and wondering if I’m going to discover that he isn’t perfect after all. But it feels like I’ve seen him more in one month than all of other my dates combined. I’ll have to wait and see.

*All names in this blog are fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.


My dating life is on pause for the foreseeable future.

I started seeing a new person, Nicholas,* a month ago. We had two dates. I had sex with him on the second date and lost my virginity. I was dumbfounded because I never moved so quickly with someone. I also enjoyed it a lot. I enjoyed it enough so that I wanted to do it again.

I decided at one point that I want to stop dating irregardless of how my relationship with Nicholas turns out. I’m tired of dating. It’s never been fun for me, but I feel I’m getting nothing out of it.

I tried diligently to meet up with him again after our night together. But there was always something happening that prevented us from getting together or him being flaky. Two weeks went by with no follow-up date. I know that if I did a “drive by” to his place to hookup, he wouldn’t have complained, but I didn’t want that for myself.

I had enough yesterday and I messaged him saying that I don’t want to see him anymore. I didn’t get a response back, though I was half-wishing that he would argue with me that he’s really serious about the relationship working out and that I should give him another chance. I took a shower before I had to run off to work and felt the thought of me being truly alone and childless hit home and become real. I shed some tears which I didn’t expect. I was probably more stressed about this than the other stuff in my life that I have to handle at the moment.

I’ve been single for a long time, so things won’t change for me. But I’m sad because my desire for children and a life partner seems to be foreclosed. And it’s upsetting to think about whether I can find someone else that I can be attracted enough to be physically intimate with, since it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. I deleted my dating apps on my phone a couple of weeks ago. I feel really done with dating.

I was eating lunch my parents today at a Japanese restaurant and my mom said that I should keep an open mind and that maybe I’ll meet someone like a K-drama. I just laughed. We’ll see about that, won’t we?

*All names in this blog is fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.

Year One debriefing

I realized that my blog is over a year old. Hurray! Since I passed the one year mark, I thought that I should do a meta blog post on my experience blogging and my dating life.

I like blogging. I wrote on Livejournal when I was growing up when the internet was in its infancy. I probably disclosed way too much in my posts and was very self-conscious since I was a teenager then. Currently, I like the mission of my blog- to write about my dating life to shed light on what it is like to be an Ace person who wants to date and find a partner. I also feel like writing here is a great exercise in improving my writing.

Blogging about my dating life had its challenges. I took a long time to start dating seriously. When I first started blogging, I had a falling out with someone who I thought I could be with long-term and I was devastated. I feel like my full emotional recovery took place only a couple of months ago. This process was an impediment to writing posts and getting this blog off the ground.

Another challenge is deciding how much to disclose in my posts. I previously mentioned my concern about guarding my and others’ privacy. I really do not have the urge to bare my soul to the world anymore. And yet, I am writing about something deeply personal. So it has been a struggle walking the line between being genuine and not treating this blog as a personal diary.

Moving on to my dating life. My experience as an asexual person who is interested in being in a romantic relationship reinforced for me that the world is an unfriendly place. I decided early on that I would put in my OkCupid profile that I am demisexual. Since many people seemed to be confused about what demisexual meant, I subsequently changed my profile to indicate that I am asexual. I thought that being out was important, especially since my identity as an asexual person has consumed my entire life and I don’t want to hide a significant portion of my activities to a potential partner.

My decision to be out for online dating seems to invite people to be jerks and ask inappropriate, invasive questions about my sexual history and preferences. I think it is analogous to how some people react to transgender people. When some people meet trans folks for the first time, they seem to think it’s okay to ask trans people about their genitals and other things. I am aware that I may be the first and only asexual person who someone encounters but I do not want to be the subject of rude questions or comments. Google exists for a reason.

And dating allosexuals has other challenges. Like some people seem to think that they can change you and make you want sex once you sleep with them. Maybe the physical urge to have sex is so strong that not wanting to do it is unimaginable. One person invited me over to his place for sleepovers if I was ever in Virginia. Another person asked me to take my shirt off so he could jack off. No amount of explanation can make them understand.

I really do prefer it if I have a relationship with another Ace person, but my last attempt failed spectacularly. I wonder if I should avoid dating aromantic asexuals since I am so strongly romantic. I want to be swept away by love and feel spiritually connected to my partner. I’m not sure how I can override this desire to be with an aromantic person.

Despite all of these challenges, I have been pretty diligent in my efforts to meet people. I am meeting my new person that I mentioned in my last post tomorrow. I downloaded Hinge, another dating app, on my phone. I am not sure how long I can keep at it but I definitely will continue for a little while longer.

Intensity and infatuation does not equate to love

My relationship with Alex* is over. I messaged him on Saturday night that I didn’t want to see him anymore because I wanted to be in a relationship where I’m wanted by my partner. Today’s Tuesday and I haven’t heard back from him. So, I guess the relationship is done.

I knew that the relationship was going into the crapper but I had a Tarot card reading with an Ace friend who I trust. It was uncannily accurate and she asked questions that was spot on (and I didn’t share too many details with her beforehand). I’m really comfortable with paranormal stuff and the Tarot reading felt like a therapy session for me.

I messaged Alex maybe an hour after the Tarot card reading was over. I felt weird messaging him instead of calling him and discussing it. But the last couple of weeks showed that he doesn’t want to meet me in person and giving me a phone call is too much of a bother. He prioritized everything else over me when he supposedly wanted me to be the mother of his children.

I feel disappointed, especially since I had such a strong initial reaction to him. But what can I do when my feelings aren’t returned and he doesn’t want to work with me? It was obviously unsustainable.

I think I have a pattern of wanting to be in unrequited relationships. It’s probably Freudian and something that I don’t want to look at too closely. But I need to learn that my intense feelings and infatuation doesn’t really mean I’m in love with that person.

So that’s the report of the end of my relationship with Alex. And my blog on dating as an Ace person continues.

In the meantime, I’m seeing someone else who I met on OkCupid. He’s a sexual person so let’s see if it works out. I sensed my time with Alex was drawing to a close so I met the new person on Friday. He’s an attorney like me. I find him to be very physically attractive and, when we kissed on our first date, I felt the beginnings of physical arousal. This is very rare for me when I first meet someone. I’m seeing him again this week but approaching it in a much more subdued manner than when I saw Alex. This is probably closer to how I approach things in general and hope the outcome will be better.

*All names in this blog are fictional to protect people’s privacy.


My relationship with Alex* is moving very quickly. I met him twice already. I had a freak out because he admitted to not having romantic feelings for me and I told him I couldn’t be in an one-sided relationship again. I called him on Wednesday and I apologized for reacting that way. We discussed getting married and having children. He said that I should take the time to think it over but I told him I wanted to.

Both of us are asexual people. I am definitely more into romance and physical affection than he is. I have the impression that he is aromantic but he resists labels as much as possible. He wants companionship and build a family and I am the vehicle to provide that for him. I wish he was romantic like me but, realistically, we’ll have a deep friendship and shared purpose in raising children. I’ve come to the realization that I can’t be in a relationship with a straight person, no matter how hard I try. I’d rather commit to another Ace person and negotiate what both of us need to be happy and have a long-term relationship. It also helps that we’re compatible on other things like our political views, our values, etc.

I feel like my time with Alex is this weird mix of romance and practically. I think that both of us are very level headed people who have clear ideas of what we want in a relationship. And yet we are moving very quickly- in part, our ages are pushing us to act since he’s turning 40 in March and I turned 36. We’re not spring chickens anymore who have time to know each other, especially since we both want children. We’ll see how things go.

I think that if this relationship goes well and we do get married, I will have stop blogging here for several reasons. I can’t imagine having a mommy blog and I want to protect my children’s privacy. I also want to protect Alex’s privacy and don’t want to spill intimate details on the internet. I’ll be a little sad when I have to stop though.

*All names in this blog are fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.