This is my 50th blog post! I’m amazed that I’m still writing about my love life.
The last time I wrote, I was furious about being involved in a hookup and thinking that I should give up on dating. I learned that people can be horrible and use others, even if I thought I could prevent that by being honest about my sexual history. However, I thought that my first time at having sex was pretty damn good because I got to choose the person who I was with and how the sex was going to happen. I think that’s a bonus of having sex later in life. I think I would’ve had a horrible time if I had sex when I was a young girl because I was so confused about what I was and I didn’t know what I wanted. So it wasn’t all bad.
I’m currently seeing Jackson* and we’ve been dating for a little over a month. I’ve been reluctant to write about him here and talk about him to others in real life because I feel like I’m going to jinx it by blabbing about him. It’s been an intense courtship where we’ve been seeing each other multiple times a week and talking every day. We’ve seen each other so often that it feels like we’ve known each other for much longer than a month. But there’s so much that I don’t know about him.
One of the reasons why I feel like I don’t know him that well is because we’ve been having sex or doing something sexual every time we see each other. It was like that ever since the first date, where we kissed and pawed at each other like teenagers. This obviously cuts down the time that we spend getting to know each other’s personal histories.
I feel like it’s funny that I’ve spent most of my life not having sex and now I’m doing it with someone like rabbits. Jackson really needs sex as a way to forge a romantic bond with someone. I’ve never been repulsed by sex; instead, it was just an activity that I wasn’t interested in. However, sex satisfies my need for physical affection and intimacy. And I’m discovering that I’m willing to provide for my partner under the right circumstances. I feel pleasure in knowing that he desires me. He is a good, considerate lover and I find our time together to be emotionally satisfying.
My time with him has been making me question my identity as an Ace person. I think my identification with asexuality was helpful when I was still a virgin because the label was a tool to explain my sexual history. Now that I’m enjoying sex, phone sex, and other activities on a regular basis, I don’t know how much use I’ll get out of the labels anymore. But, I guess that’s why the terms “demisexuality” and “greysexuality” exist.
Given my track record, I don’t know if my time with Jackson will last. I’m a little wary, tired, and wondering if I’m going to discover that he isn’t perfect after all. But it feels like I’ve seen him more in one month than all of other my dates combined. I’ll have to wait and see.
*All names in this blog are fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.