Singledom

My dating life is on pause for the foreseeable future.

I started seeing a new person, Nicholas,* a month ago. We had two dates. I had sex with him on the second date and lost my virginity. I was dumbfounded because I never moved so quickly with someone. I also enjoyed it a lot. I enjoyed it enough so that I wanted to do it again.

I decided at one point that I want to stop dating irregardless of how my relationship with Nicholas turns out. I’m tired of dating. It’s never been fun for me, but I feel I’m getting nothing out of it.

I tried diligently to meet up with him again after our night together. But there was always something happening that prevented us from getting together or him being flaky. Two weeks went by with no follow-up date. I know that if I did a “drive by” to his place to hookup, he wouldn’t have complained, but I didn’t want that for myself.

I had enough yesterday and I messaged him saying that I don’t want to see him anymore. I didn’t get a response back, though I was half-wishing that he would argue with me that he’s really serious about the relationship working out and that I should give him another chance. I took a shower before I had to run off to work and felt the thought of me being truly alone and childless hit home and become real. I shed some tears which I didn’t expect. I was probably more stressed about this than the other stuff in my life that I have to handle at the moment.

I’ve been single for a long time, so things won’t change for me. But I’m sad because my desire for children and a life partner seems to be foreclosed. And it’s upsetting to think about whether I can find someone else that I can be attracted enough to be physically intimate with, since it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. I deleted my dating apps on my phone a couple of weeks ago. I feel really done with dating.

I was eating lunch my parents today at a Japanese restaurant and my mom said that I should keep an open mind and that maybe I’ll meet someone like a K-drama. I just laughed. We’ll see about that, won’t we?

*All names in this blog is fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.

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Year One debriefing

I realized that my blog is over a year old. Hurray! Since I passed the one year mark, I thought that I should do a meta blog post on my experience blogging and my dating life.

I like blogging. I wrote on Livejournal when I was growing up when the internet was in its infancy. I probably disclosed way too much in my posts and was very self-conscious since I was a teenager then. Currently, I like the mission of my blog- to write about my dating life to shed light on what it is like to be an Ace person who wants to date and find a partner. I also feel like writing here is a great exercise in improving my writing.

Blogging about my dating life had its challenges. I took a long time to start dating seriously. When I first started blogging, I had a falling out with someone who I thought I could be with long-term and I was devastated. I feel like my full emotional recovery took place only a couple of months ago. This process was an impediment to writing posts and getting this blog off the ground.

Another challenge is deciding how much to disclose in my posts. I previously mentioned my concern about guarding my and others’ privacy. I really do not have the urge to bare my soul to the world anymore. And yet, I am writing about something deeply personal. So it has been a struggle walking the line between being genuine and not treating this blog as a personal diary.

Moving on to my dating life. My experience as an asexual person who is interested in being in a romantic relationship reinforced for me that the world is an unfriendly place. I decided early on that I would put in my OkCupid profile that I am demisexual. Since many people seemed to be confused about what demisexual meant, I subsequently changed my profile to indicate that I am asexual. I thought that being out was important, especially since my identity as an asexual person has consumed my entire life and I don’t want to hide a significant portion of my activities to a potential partner.

My decision to be out for online dating seems to invite people to be jerks and ask inappropriate, invasive questions about my sexual history and preferences. I think it is analogous to how some people react to transgender people. When some people meet trans folks for the first time, they seem to think it’s okay to ask trans people about their genitals and other things. I am aware that I may be the first and only asexual person who someone encounters but I do not want to be the subject of rude questions or comments. Google exists for a reason.

And dating allosexuals has other challenges. Like some people seem to think that they can change you and make you want sex once you sleep with them. Maybe the physical urge to have sex is so strong that not wanting to do it is unimaginable. One person invited me over to his place for sleepovers if I was ever in Virginia. Another person asked me to take my shirt off so he could jack off. No amount of explanation can make them understand.

I really do prefer it if I have a relationship with another Ace person, but my last attempt failed spectacularly. I wonder if I should avoid dating aromantic asexuals since I am so strongly romantic. I want to be swept away by love and feel spiritually connected to my partner. I’m not sure how I can override this desire to be with an aromantic person.

Despite all of these challenges, I have been pretty diligent in my efforts to meet people. I am meeting my new person that I mentioned in my last post tomorrow. I downloaded Hinge, another dating app, on my phone. I am not sure how long I can keep at it but I definitely will continue for a little while longer.

Intensity and infatuation does not equate to love

My relationship with Alex* is over. I messaged him on Saturday night that I didn’t want to see him anymore because I wanted to be in a relationship where I’m wanted by my partner. Today’s Tuesday and I haven’t heard back from him. So, I guess the relationship is done.

I knew that the relationship was going into the crapper but I had a Tarot card reading with an Ace friend who I trust. It was uncannily accurate and she asked questions that was spot on (and I didn’t share too many details with her beforehand). I’m really comfortable with paranormal stuff and the Tarot reading felt like a therapy session for me.

I messaged Alex maybe an hour after the Tarot card reading was over. I felt weird messaging him instead of calling him and discussing it. But the last couple of weeks showed that he doesn’t want to meet me in person and giving me a phone call is too much of a bother. He prioritized everything else over me when he supposedly wanted me to be the mother of his children.

I feel disappointed, especially since I had such a strong initial reaction to him. But what can I do when my feelings aren’t returned and he doesn’t want to work with me? It was obviously unsustainable.

I think I have a pattern of wanting to be in unrequited relationships. It’s probably Freudian and something that I don’t want to look at too closely. But I need to learn that my intense feelings and infatuation doesn’t really mean I’m in love with that person.

So that’s the report of the end of my relationship with Alex. And my blog on dating as an Ace person continues.

In the meantime, I’m seeing someone else who I met on OkCupid. He’s a sexual person so let’s see if it works out. I sensed my time with Alex was drawing to a close so I met the new person on Friday. He’s an attorney like me. I find him to be very physically attractive and, when we kissed on our first date, I felt the beginnings of physical arousal. This is very rare for me when I first meet someone. I’m seeing him again this week but approaching it in a much more subdued manner than when I saw Alex. This is probably closer to how I approach things in general and hope the outcome will be better.

*All names in this blog are fictional to protect people’s privacy.

Progress

My relationship with Alex* is moving very quickly. I met him twice already. I had a freak out because he admitted to not having romantic feelings for me and I told him I couldn’t be in an one-sided relationship again. I called him on Wednesday and I apologized for reacting that way. We discussed getting married and having children. He said that I should take the time to think it over but I told him I wanted to.

Both of us are asexual people. I am definitely more into romance and physical affection than he is. I have the impression that he is aromantic but he resists labels as much as possible. He wants companionship and build a family and I am the vehicle to provide that for him. I wish he was romantic like me but, realistically, we’ll have a deep friendship and shared purpose in raising children. I’ve come to the realization that I can’t be in a relationship with a straight person, no matter how hard I try. I’d rather commit to another Ace person and negotiate what both of us need to be happy and have a long-term relationship. It also helps that we’re compatible on other things like our political views, our values, etc.

I feel like my time with Alex is this weird mix of romance and practically. I think that both of us are very level headed people who have clear ideas of what we want in a relationship. And yet we are moving very quickly- in part, our ages are pushing us to act since he’s turning 40 in March and I turned 36. We’re not spring chickens anymore who have time to know each other, especially since we both want children. We’ll see how things go.

I think that if this relationship goes well and we do get married, I will have stop blogging here for several reasons. I can’t imagine having a mommy blog and I want to protect my children’s privacy. I also want to protect Alex’s privacy and don’t want to spill intimate details on the internet. I’ll be a little sad when I have to stop though.

*All names in this blog are fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.

Sexual fantasies while Ace

*Please note that this post is NSFW.

Asexuality is a spectrum. There are Aces with varying degrees of openness to sex, touch, intimate relationships. I fall on the more sexual side of the Asexuality spectrum. I feel like I’m pushing the boundaries of how sexual one can be without actually desiring sexual intercourse.

I identify as bisexual. However, I’m more attracted to men than women. My sexual fantasies generally involve me having a sexual encounter with a man, but will involve women maybe 10% of the time. I think that I’ll most likely have a relationship with a man, but I won’t rule out having a long-term relationship with a woman.

One of my longest fantasies that I’ve had was being taken from behind by someone who I’m prevented from seeing. I cannot turn around because I’m leaning forward on a desk. I just have to take what’s happening. I think I liked this fantasy because it wades into BDSM territory without being overtly so. And it allows me to fantasize about doing something with another person that I have very limited experience in. I know enough about sex to know what happens physically. However, it’s different reading about something versus experiencing it real life.

This taken-from-behind fantasy is slightly ruined for me because Amir* tried to recreate it while we were together. It was…anxiety producing. I think if I tried recreating it with someone I trusted, I would’ve felt better about the experience. Despite my unease, I found that I liked some parts of role playing the fantasy. I found that I liked feeling how much Amir desired me as he ground his erection against me. I liked seeing the two of us in the vanity mirror, his dark skin a contrast to my lighter one.

Despite my fantasies, I’m less likely to act on them than the normal person. I’ll accept sexual touch but it takes me long time to get there. I’ve been thinking about what it means to negotiate physical intimacy in a relationship, given how much I enjoy physical touch and affection and yet can’t/won’t do anything without lots of trust and “practice”. I feel a little like I’m enclosed somehow by being an Ace person and having limits on what I can experience through my body. I’m not sad about this exactly. I feel wistful.

* All names in this blog are fictional to protect individuals’ privacy.


While I was drafting this blog post, I was listening to Ellie Goulding’s Love Me Like You Do and Aaliyah’s I Refuse, Are You That Somebody, We Need A Resolution (Aaliyah is one of my favorite R&B singers and her songs stand the test the time.)

Musings No. 2

I went on a first date last Friday with another person I met on OkCupid. He seemed like a nice enough guy but I didn’t feel like we had chemistry. He seemed like he was one of those people who played Dungeons and Dragons when he was a teenager and viewed himself as a social outcast…. and never really grew out of it. I feel like my personality would have dominated him and we would both be miserable. I have this image of me constantly criticizing him for not being able to function in society in a way that I find satisfactory. That is obviously not awesome.

I feel like I’m slowly getting into the swing of things in the dating front. I downloaded OkCupid onto my phone maybe a month or two after I moved back to New York and never used it for months afterward. I think I was not ready to start looking seriously. I’m still having crippling anxiety, but I’m much more serious about using the app and I think that I put a pretty good game face when I meet my dates. I’m not really afraid of dating. It’s just that I don’t trust my judgment anymore about relationships and who I can rely on.

I met some Ace folks yesterday for dinner, drinks, and playing games at pinball machines. It was really nice to see people but it was a long day. One of my Ace bffs invited me to a BDSM munch next Friday. I’m excited to go. I haven’t gone to a munch in a long time and it’ll be my first in New York.

I want someone to dominate me. I feel like I’m happiest when I’m serving someone. It definitely affected my career choices since I worked in public service for a long time. I’m like that with my family and friends as well. So, why should my romantic relationships be any different? I definitely don’t want a D/S relationship that looks like a master-slave relationship. But I’m not sure how that kind of relationship would work with someone like me who’s more interested in the power exchange part of BDSM more than the sex.

The friend who invited me to the munch and I get along so well that I wish I felt romantic feelings towards him. But I don’t. But it’s nice to be able to rely on him.


While drafting this blog post, I’ve been listening to Handel’s Messiah.

Am I attracted to a type of person?

I had a first date on Sunday with someone I met on Okcupid. We met at a cafe near Union Square Park in Manhattan and, since the cafe was very busy and had no available tables, we hung out at the park and walked around the neighborhood. It was a gorgeous fall day so it was nice being outside. And the date went well. We already agreed to see each other again on Friday.

I wondered if I am attracted to a certain type of person ever since I met him. Like, do I have a type? I think I do. I really like nerdy men who give off a vibe of mild-mannered stability. If he doesn’t drink, smoke, and do drugs, the better. I really don’t like gym rats or men who look prettier than me. And my partying days (if they ever existed) are over so I like meeting people who prefer quiet venues. I’m also wondering if I like the balding professorial look because the person I’m seeing will probably lose a significant portion of his hair within the next twenty years. He’s a year older than me but his hair is already thinning. But I really don’t mind. He was self-conscious about it and I found it endearing.

I’m disregarding the rare times that I experienced instant lust because I’ve never acted on my feelings (I don’t trust feelings that encourage me to be rash plus it always happen with people who are very bad for me). I’m thinking about the type of person who I’m likely to want to be with long term.


While drafting this post, I was listening to Leona Lewis’ Bleeding Love.